Jacob Black's Ultimate Slash Fic
by The Real Jacob Black
Summary: In which Justin Beiber must save the world. Or die trying. M for mentally harmful.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** Just because I _am_ Jacob Black does not mean that I in any way own Twilight or its characters. Neither do I own Justin Bieber or any of the other celebrities mentioned in this fanfiction.

Justin Bieber looked out the window. It was raining again. It was always raining in Forks, though. He sighed and went into the bathroom. He saw his reflection in the mirror, and wished, not for the first time, that he had a manly chiseled jaw and a rugged six o'clock shadow. But his terminal illness prevented him from ever hitting puberty, and he was destined to wear his girlish baby-face until it finally caught up with him. The disease, not the face.

Too depressed to pretend to shave, he left the bathroom. He was running later than was fashionable anyway, and he wasn't sure he wanted to make these crazy bloodsuckers angry. They may be sparkly pansies, but if they stood in the right light, the glare on their bodies could permanently burn his retinas... 

_Knock, knock_.

No answer. Biebs tapped his foot impatiently. Just like a vampyre (Edward demands everyone spell it with a Y now) to keep everyone waiting on him. But then again, Edward did wear ridiculous amounts of hair gel. Or maybe he was born with it. A conundrum, one that may never be answered.

The door opened a crack.

"Hello, welcome to the Cullen estate. How may I be of service?"

Biebs squinted at the person in the door way. Could it be... No. Rick Astley would NEVER wear a MAID DRESS, of all things. But when the door opened wider, Biebs saw that it was, indeed Rick Astley wearing a maid dress. And patent leather pumps. He shivered.

"Um, well, I'd like to come inside... I was invited for a party... Karaoke..."

"Ah, of course." Maid!Astley stepped aside and led Biebs into the house. "The young master will be so pleased to see you," he recited as they walked down the hall. "You're the last guest to arrive. Right this way..."

Maid!Astley led Biebs into a large room decked out like some kind of bar/lounge/thing. Sure enough, everyone else was already there. Edward and Jacob sat on either side of a very uncomfortable looking Zuko on a cramped loveseat, Snape skulked in a corner, Legolas and Lady Gaga were playing a drinking game, and Spock and the Joker were having what appeared to be a very heated debate (at least, it was on the Joker's side). Biebs looked around desperately for someone he knew, and felt a wave of relief wash over him when he spied Usher near the back of the room. He left Maid!Astley by the door and walked over to his ex.

"Hey, Usher, uh..."

Usher looked up from his game of pool. "Oh, hey Biebs. What's up?"

"Oh, nothing." God, this was awkward. He'd probably be better of getting wasted with Legolas and Gaga. "So," he started, leaning against the pool table, "who's winning?"

Usher grinned. "Well, I'm losing at the moment, but I've got a few tricks up my sleeve that I'm about to unleash on this nigga."

Biebs didn't know whether or not Usher was joking, so he just shrugged and walked back to the rest of the party.

"HEY! BIEBS! COME ON OVER HERE!" Edward shouted across the room. Biebs gratefully took the excuse to leave Usher to his game of pool against himself and walked over to the little love seat. "Come on, sit down!" Biebs looked at the couch. There wasn't enough room for the three of them as it was. If Biebs was going to join them, he'd have to sit on one of their laps.

"Of course you will. If I didn't want that, I wouldn't have invited you over here." Biebs looked at Edward in confusion. Edward rolled his eyes while Jacob chuckled and Zuko grumbled. "I can read minds," he said by way of explanation, and yanked Biebs down onto his lap.

He was very cold and hard, and Biebs was not surprised Zuko looked constipated. Edward wrapped one arm around his shoulders, and another around his waist. He started nuzzling at the back of his neck in the most alarming way, Biebs thought he must be sniffing out his jugular vein. "You know, you look remarkably similar to my dead wife," Edward murmured softly.

"Eh? Excuse me?"

Edward backed off. "Bella. You remind me of her. You even use the same after shave."

"Wait, she's dead?"

"Oh, yeah. Didn't you know? Well, I guess Carlisle hushed it up. He must not have wanted anyone to know that one of our strongest attraction was dead. The Jacob/Edward/Zuko ship isn't popular enough to stand on its own yet." He said it so nonchalantly, Biebs wondered if Edward had cared for his wife at all.

"Oh, not one whit," Edward said, reading his mind and then answering his question. "True, she smelled good, but she had no personality. Not like you..."

"Hey! You flirting with mah boi?" Usher shouted, beating the pool table with the stick so hard that it snapped. He ran towards Edward in a rage, and tried to run him through with the jagged piece of broken wood like a lancer, but Edward was too quick. He jumped up, spilling Biebs to the floor, and snapped Usher's neck before the man could take three steps. A hush fell over the room but was filled agains just as quickly as people realized that no one important had died.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** Just because I _am_ Jacob Black does not mean that I in any way own Twilight or its characters. Neither do I own Justin Bieber or any of the other celebrities mentioned in this fanfiction.

Biebs was shaken. He had never seen someone die before, especially not someone so close to him, and ESPECIALLY not in such a violent manner. He looked at Edward in schock and backed away as quickly as he could.

"Holy shit. I knew vampyres were crazy, but this is just insane. I think I need to write a song." Biebs dealt with his internal issues through his songs. But the room was so loud, he couldn't think. He walked over to where Maid!Astley was still standing, and asked where the farthest bathroom was. Maid!Astley gave him very detailed directions, and Biebs thanked him and went on his way.

Biebs took a left, then a right, then he went up the stairs, through the temple of doom, the cave of wonders, and the kitchen, and then up some more stairs, down some more stairs, another left, and another, and then decided that he was lost. The Cullen estate was huge, no lai, and the directions he had gotten form Maid!Astley were extremely confusing and involved a llama named Paco. All of the stress from the party and Usher's death was starting to get to him, and he started tearing up.

Wait, why was he getting so emotional over Usher's death? He was the one who had instigated the break up, after all. And usher was a brute, always making Biebs dress up like a little girl for his own sick amusement (though Biebs had to admit, it did suit him). He should be glad for his death, right? But there was a part of him who still loved Usher, not the brute who would tie him to the bed, but the man who was always there to save him when it seemed the whole world was falling down. The part that was only for show, but he missed it all the same.

"Hey, kid, why are you crying?"

Biebs looked up and wiped his eyes. "I'm not crying," he said.

"Okay, well, if you want to talk about it..."

"Hey, who are you, anyway?"

The other kid grinned. "My name's Sora. I was looking for the bathroom, but I got lost..."

Biebs smiled. "Hey, me too. I think Maid!Astley screwed us over on purpose."

"Yeah, IKR? I mean, I must have walked by five rooms that have no point whatsoever, but no bathroom at all in this place!" Sora pursed his lips. "Wait, do vampyres even need to _use_ the restroom?"

Biebs chuckled. "IDK. I don't think so, though." He stood up-he was the same height as Sora-and looked around. "Well, there doesn't seem to be anything here. Should we see if we can find our way back to the party?" Sora nodded.

The two walked in what could only be described as a companionable silence for a few minutes, until Sora nudged Beibs in the side to get his attention.

"So, Justin-can I call you that? Biebs sounds a bit awkward, considering we've just met-anyway, do you think we're getting any nearer to the party?"

Biebs looked at his surroundings, which were totally different from anything he had seen yet in this house. "You know, I don't think we are, Sora." But, as long as he was lost, he was glad he was with Sora, instead of some creep. At least this kid appeared to be sane. Well, as sane as one could ever be after being exposed to the Cullens. Biebs looked back at his first encounter with them with a mixed feeling of horror and regret.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** Just because I _am_ Jacob Black does not mean that I in any way own Twilight or its characters. Neither do I own Justin Bieber or any of the other celebrities mentioned in this fanfiction.

[FLASHBACK] "Hey, you're that Canadian kid, Justin Bieber?"

Biebs turned around. Two tall guys in dark cloaks were standing behind him. He couldn't see their faces under their hoods, but they didn't seem _too_ menacing. "Yeah, eh. So?"

The taller one on the right grabbed his arm. Biebs winced; he had a strong grip. "How'd you like to be famous in America?"

Biebs considered it. He always wanted to go to America. And being famous would just be the icing on the cake. And who knew, perhaps he could earn enough money to fund research into his terminal illness. "Well, okay. I don't see why not, eh?"

The other cloaked figure snarled. "You're going to have to stop saying 'eh' at the end of everything if you want to come to America, bub."

"Sheesh, alright. Eh heh heh. So, do you mind showing me your faces?"

The taller figure was the first to flip down his hood. He was tall and dark skinned, and looked like a washed up rapper. The other one wa a bit more hesitant. When he lowered his hood, Biebs had to shield his eyes from the sparkling radience that reflected off of his skin. A vampyre and an old washed up rapper. He had just gotten himself into a whole lot of trouble, but there was no going back. [/FLASHBACK]


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** Just because I _am_ Jacob Black does not mean that I in any way own Twilight or its characters. Neither do I own Justin Bieber or any of the other celebrities mentioned in this fanfiction.

While Sora and Biebs were trying to find their way back to the party, the others were experiencing some difficulties. The entire party had fallen under attack by creepy bag-headed imps with brooms. While the guests were busy fighting them off, the imps had swept the body of Usher into the shadows, and then seemed to melt away. The guests were very confused by all of this, and Lady Gaga and Legolas left off playing their drinking game for the rest of the night.

"Qyburn, you have the body?"

"Of course, my lady."

"Well, Maester, I can assume our plans will go smoothly from this point onward? We've already let the beaver escape our clutches once, we cannot fail again."

"Quite right, my lady. But your champion is almost complete. The final piece of the puzzle has been found. Just give me some time."

"I have already given you plenty of time. I want this finished by the next full moon."

"That may not be possible, my lady. The next full moon is a mere few weeks hence. If I rush my work, it could become... Unstable..."

"Are you suggestion you are less than the brilliant maester you told me you were?"

"Of course not, my lady. Only that these things, well, they take time. By the next full moon, then."

"Yes, by the next full moon."


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:** Just because I _am_ Jacob Black does not mean that I in any way own Twilight or its characters. Neither do I own Justin Bieber or any of the other celebrities mentioned in this fanfiction.

"Hey, Sora, I think we've made it back to the party," Biebs said, excitedly. He could here voices, only they weren't as excited as when he had left. They were more quiet, and worried. "It doesn't sound good in there, I wonder what happened."

"Yeah, we weren't gone for that long. Lady Gaga probably just hung herself again. She's always pretending to die. Pretty soon people are going to get tried of it." But he grabbed Biebs's hand tightly, and was obviously worried. The two of them walked into the room.

Biebs stopped short when he saw the destruction. The whole room looked like a mini tornado had swept through. Furtniture was overturned, broken glass was all over the floor, and Lady Gaga and Legolas has stopped drinking-whihc was perhaps the most alarming thing of all. They NEVER stopped drinking, at least not until they passed out, usually in their own vomit. Spock was going around making sure everyone was okay, using some spiffy high tech machine thingy that automatically told you waht was wrong with you. Maid!Astley was busy cleaning up and grmbling the whole time about it. Edward and Jacob were holding tightly to Zuko, who looked like he was suffocating from all of their affections.

"Hey guys, what's going on?" Biebs asked, letting go of Sora's hand and stepping farther into the room.

"It was... Terrible... Demons... From the shadows..." Edward moaned.

"They were everywhere!" continued Jacob, and clung tighter to Zuko.

Maid!Astley stopped sweeping and looked at Biebs. "Bag headed imps. With brooms. Only they weren't cleaning, they were destroying. They took Usher's body for some reason." He went back to sweeping.

Biebs's eyes opened wide in shock. Sora moved next to him and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. Biebs gave him a shaky smile. He never really liked Usher anyway, he thought, and now he wouldn't have to pay for a funeral. So everyone wins, right? But there was something about Maid!Astley's description of the imps that made him think there was something far more sinister afoot.

Arc one is complete! Now for the part that I haven't written yet... I do have a plot in mind for this, by the way, it's not just my way of fulfilling my wish of-WHAT MY WISH IS IS NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX KTHX.


End file.
